It is really difficult when things aren't going the way i thought they would. I kind of want to throw myself down on the floor, kick, scream, and cry. I want to yell about how I don't know what i am doing and why does it feel as though every step ends up taking 6.
The older I get, the more I want to be able to skip the freak out. Get straight to the part where I realize that everything will be fine, and work out the way it does. So, I am doing my very best and occasionally succeeding at being okay with things as they are. Accepting that I am not and never will be the master of timing.
I would love to be able to set aside the way I think things ought to be. To let go of all the shoulds, and should nots. Put my proverbial oars down and go with the flow. There have been times where life flowed as if I just called to me that which I wished; effortless ease. I have also fault; whatever the opposite of valiantly is, until exhaustion and was carried in the current knocking my body against every sharp edge for a time. Why does it feel more natural to row against the current, and try to make everything come together in the way that I see fit rather then the way it has been unraveling for however long the past reaches back?
I will be opening. It will most likely be messy. Things will go wrong and end up being right....hopefully. I might fail miserably. I may succeed beyond any expectations I hold for myself. Most likely, it will be somewhere in the middle.
As I walk my flawed self into this new adventure, my goals are simple. Stay present, skip the freak outs, make human connections and love often.