Self Sabotage or Message from the Uiverse?


Things have been going swimmingly. I am getting down my new schedule, figuring out how to make it all work. Still complaining about how difficult things seem to be. Then, a moment of mindlessness. A missing of a step, and a new understanding of how difficult things can actually be. I sprained my foot. I will be back to normal in a few weeks. I have taught with sprained ankles, and other medical situations, I can do this without any difficulty at all and with only a mild amount of awkwardness for the people taking my classes. The difficulty is in my everyday accomplishing of things. I have to take off from my main job, cleaning houses. Hopefully 1 week will be enough, but I will have to make that call in a few days.


It is unbelievable the amount I accomplishes in a day without being aware of what I am actually doing. Every morning, like many others, I go about my tasks with very little awareness, feeding the animals, taking care of self hygiene, getting dressed, gathering the materials I will need for my day, making lists of stops I need to make and things I need to do or acquire. Wow what a difference a sprained foot can make. I never realized how inefficiently I move through my regular routine. the amount of steps it takes to feed the animals, changing water, filling food. I tell you, my cats noticed, they normally leave 1/4 of their food in their dishes, not yesterday, I think the poor creatures where afraid to let anything for the others to eat incase I wasn't able to put the effort in for their next meal. Neville, also known as my tripping cat, stayed out from under my feet when I walked but lay at them when I sat down. I spend a lot of time going back and finding my phone and my purse. Exactly how many times do I go up the steps and back down for some minute reason. The answer is a whole (insert favorite swear word) lot.


I make my living with my body. Having anything go wrong with it sends me into a panic. Being reliant on myself is a habit that goes way back. Back to middle school really when I figured out if I wanted things to be different I would have to be the one to make it so. 30+ years later, with a husband and family, that feeling remains. In my head I know my husband will take care of me though differently then I would him. In my head I know there are people I could call to drive me to urgent care. The choice to use those resources seems to be one I am unable to make. Instead, I tuned into my anger, crawled around the house and yard out to the shed and found my own cane, drove myself to the urgent care. Sat miserable contemplating the doom of both my businesses all do to my lack of emotional control. Spiraling.....again.


Skip the freak-out. Failed


I am amazed at the difference in my foot from Monday night until today (Wednesday morning). After this morning, I have decided I don't need the crutches any longer, and a cane will work just fine. Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to work all or most of next week.


Yoga is so much more to me then a physical practice. Yoga helps me find peace inside my own unyielding mind. It has allowed me to let go of so much anger, truth be told, the word Rage could be used there and the statement be more accurate. I still easily fall back to my anger in times where I am frightened or have feelings of inadequacy. Just like the freak-outs however, there is a part of me that seems to be sitting back usually, arms folded, disappointment on her face just waiting for it to be over, knowing full well that it is not necessary or even helpful. I am glad to have the part of me who sees the ridiculousness of my actions and thoughts when I am angry. Like the freak-outs, I seem to not have found the way as of yet to keep myself from indulging. Leaving myself questioning how I can come so far and not let go of the anger. Why I cannot come to reason and self love without first degrading myself and usually everyone around me ( in my mind) before settling down and doing what needs done. I was mean to myself, my husband, and I yelled at my child all before taking care of the initial situation that needed to be dealt with and which caused the anger and mindlessness to begin with. A small matter that needed me to be assertive and grown up. It took one phone call to a man who has shown me nothing but kindness and taken my thoughts into consideration, both in the past, and in the difficult matter I had to speak with him about on this occasion.


It takes a great deal of effort to change the habits that are so ingrained within that we aren't even aware of them......until we are. Knowing the problem I have heard is half the battle. That is true. Learning you have the problem, acknowledging it, and accepting it are very hard. The continued effort to change them, worth wild, difficult and at least in my experience, it involves failure and pain. Yoga helps. It helps me forgive myself, accept my own imperfections. and most of all, Yoga allows me to start again.


Forgiving ones self and allowing ourselves to begin again directly where we are, whether it be in life or on the mat is vital. If we do not, we are just a walking collection of faults and wrong actions. I, you, we are so much more then that. We are a collection of good, bad, ugly and down right amazing. The fact that we can still stop and feel our breath, that means we are alive. Taking that breath in, and letting that breath go means we still have the opportunity for change. I have a belief in a higher power, and maybe a person needs that to feel what I am saying. So long as God continues to supply me with breath, I will continue to attempt to start from where I am and change for the better because to me, that breath means that I have the duty to keep going, to be and do better.

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