Self Sabotage or Message from the Uiverse?
Things have been going swimmingly. I am getting down my new schedule, figuring out how to make it all work. Still complaining about how difficult things seem to be. Then, a moment of mindlessness. A missing of a step, and a new understanding of how difficult things can actually be. I sprained my foot. I will be back to normal in a few weeks. I have taught with sprained ankles, and other medical situations, I can do this without any difficulty at all and with only a mild amount of awkwardness for the people taking my classes. The difficulty is in my everyday accomplishing of things. I have to take off from my main job, cleaning houses. Hopefully 1 week will be enough, but I will have to make that call in a few days.
It is unbelievable the amount I accomplishes in a day without being aware of what I am actually doing. Every morning, like many others, I go about my tasks with very little awareness, feeding the animals, taking care of self hygiene, getting dressed, gathering the materials I will need for my day, making lists of stops I need to make and things I need to do or acquire. Wow what a difference a sprained foot can make. I never realized how inefficiently I move through my regular routine. the amount of steps it takes to feed the animals, changing water, filling food. I tell you, my cats noticed, they normally leave 1/4 of their food in their dishes, not yesterday, I think the poor creatures where afraid to let anything for the others to eat incase I wasn't able to put the effort in for their next meal. Neville, also known as my tripping cat, stayed out from under my feet when I walked but lay at them when I sat down. I spend a lot of time going back and finding my phone and my purse. Exactly how many times do I go up the steps and back down for some minute reason. The answer is a whole (insert favorite swear word) lot.
I make my living with my body. Having anything go wrong with it sends me into a panic. Being reliant on myself is a habit that goes way back. Back to middle school really when I figured out if I wanted things to be different I would have to be the one to make it so. 30+ years later, with a husband and family, that feeling remains. In my head I know my husband will take care of me though differently then I would him. In my head I know there are people I could call to drive me to urgent care. The choice to use those resources seems to be one I am unable to make. Instead, I tuned into my anger, crawled around the house and yard out to the shed and found my own cane, drove myself to the urgent care. Sat miserable contemplating the doom of both my businesses all do to my lack of emotional control. Spiraling.....again.
Skip the freak-out. Failed